You’ve heard of the tons of lawsuits against tobacco because of cancer, gun manufacturers because of unwanted deaths, McDonald’s because of hot coffee burns, dot-coms because of stock price fluctuations, Cosmo because of the complex it gives to all women who are not models. So I’ve taken my lead from all these incredibly worthy lawsuits and launched my own.

That’s right, I’m suing big mayonnaise — and not just because I can’t stand mayo. I mean, what is mayo anyway? It is basically just a big swab of fat originally designed to hide the taste of rotten and disgusting French food. Heinz and Hellmann’s watch out! You’ll probably be paying me and other people like me billions of dollars (though it will likely amount to a 25%-off coupon on mustard after we deduct taxes and lawyer fees).

Ever notice there is no label on bottles of mayo saying “if you eat me, you’ll get fat?” You think that’s a coincidence? You think that Mayo producers don’t know you’ll get fat from eating mayo? I think the executives at Heinz and Hellmann’s are conspiring to create a world of fat mayo eaters — and the only people that will be able to compete are the poor in third world countries (who can’t afford mayo) and the vegans (see tofu mayonnaise).

I put on 4 pounds this summer! I used all my intuition (flipped a coin) to come to a complete scientific determination (a pure guess) that mayonnaise was behind my new largeness. Wow, someone call the cops. Those four pounds did irrevocable harm on me — it made it harder for me to pick up girls at the beach this summer which means I am single longer and might traumatize me for life (or at least having to hear my mother’s nagging about not having grandkids that much more).

Makes you wonder what else mayonnaise might be responsible for … hmmmmmm … where there’s smoke, there’s fire … I suggest that a global mayo corporate conspiracy is angling to destroy the rain forests, in cahoots with international bankers to create war in Iraq, and convince us that Gerard Depardieu is a good actor.