Category Archives: Humor

business model patents

My patent application was approved today.   i’m really excited.   now i can sue someone.  oh yeah.

i got the patent on the business model of suing other people who violate patents.

that’s right.   i have patented the very profitable business process of patenting an obvious business model and then suing companies that have something close to that model.   kind of like what MercExchange is doing to eBay — suing for the "Buy Me Now" button because they somehow got a business-model patent.  did you know someone has actually patented peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches?   and my favorite patent is paw-watches — wrist-watches for dogs.

so with my new business-model patent on "suing companies for violating business-model patents"… that means i can sue any business-model patent holder that sues another company.    i’m gonna make a fortune…

British Woman Marries Dolphin

I love this man-bites-dog … uhhhh woman-marries-dolphin story …

snip:

While she still kept open the option of “marrying a human” at some stage, she said for now she was strictly a “one-dolphin woman”.She’s hardly the jealous type, though.

“He will still play with all the other girls there,” she said, of their prenuptial agreement. “I hope he has a lot of baby dolphins with the other dolphins. The more dolphins the better.”

six years away …

thanks for all of you who emailed me yesterday about the party on Nov 11, 2011 at 11:11 am on the Golden Gate Bridge. only six years away.

trip down memory lane …
i sent out the original eVite (sent in 2001 — check out:http://evite.citysearch.com/ggparty@eudoramail.com/2011Party) at 3am after laughing so hard. i actually thought eVite had taken down the site but alas, no such luck. there were 2-3 other parody eVites that got formed from this one … including the 12/12/12 eVite.

Here is an article in the SJ Mercury

And here are the Top 6 Reasons I am planning the 2011 Party now:

6. Annoying 98 year old guy who shows up at all my parties will probably be dead.

5. I met this girl at a bar and she said ‘give me a call in 6 years.’ I said, ‘Great. I know just the party to take you.’

4. Planning on making this a regular get together — every hundred years.

3. I really wanted to put an event together for 2010, but I was just feeling too rushed.

2. Party in 1011 cancelled due to Bubonic Plague.

1. Need to get party out of the way and clean up before 3033 party.

Solving the European Efficiency Conundrum

In the wake of the recent “no” vote on the EU constitution by the French and the Dutch, the question arises about European efficiency. You’d think Europe, because of its adoption to of the highly efficient metric system, would have a higher productivity than the United States. But it doesn’t. No cigar. No cookie.

After much investigation, research, and employing the Olympic Committee to bribe every official in sight, I have been able to reach the following conclusions about why American productivity still trounces its European rivals:

* A4 paper and more

I don’t get why Europeans need to use bigger paper. Standard letter-sized paper seems fine — but this A4 paper that Europeans use is huge! All that paper being wasted surely decreases their efficiency.

European business cards are also much larger. What’s the deal? That not only means more paper but it also means larger wallets. More waste.

* Work, Siestas, Vacations, and Sabbaticals

Americans just work a lot harder than Europeans. And unlike Europeans, we don’t take as many vacations. We also don’t take a siesta at 2:00 pm every day. Nope — we work all the time (except when we are watching reality TV). When is the last time you saw a Frenchman check his voice mail while on vacation in Nice? Or an Italian who passes on wine during dinner because she has to be at work early the next day?

* Learning Different Spoken Languages

Americans generally know only one spoken language — English. All the energy that normally goes into learning other spoken languages can be focused on learning other useful things like computer languages or the language of Wall Street.

If you assume a brain can only hold a finite amount of memory before it runs out of storage, learning fewer spoken languages can be a huge advantage (especially if everyone else learns English).

I know what you are thinking — spoken like a true American.


Update: lest anyone think I’m serious … this was filed in the “humor” section …